Yesterday, as I stood outside drinking my coffee, I noticed a white piece of paper stuck in the grass of the ditch. Fulfilling my civic duties of keeping Springfield clean, I went to pick it up and throw it away. To my amazement I noticed it was addressed to Santa. Even more shocking was who it was from..Little A-Rod. My civic duties suddenly changed. It was my duty, nay, my responsibility as a die hard Red Sox fan, to open and read it. Santa wont mind if I help him fulfill Mr "I look like I have had to poop for the last 15 years" dreams. I couldn't make much of it out as it was written in crayon and covered in fudge pop, ummm, at least I hope it was fudge pop. Anyway, what I could make out is that he was asking to play for the greatest team in history. The Boston Red Sox. After I picked myself up off the ground after regaining conciseness from passing out due to the lack of oxygen from laughing too hard, I thought about how that might go over with Red Sox Nation. Yeah, that thought took a half a second. It wouldn't. Why you ask. Well, allow me to elaborate. This is the same guy that slapped the ball out of Arroyo's glove in order to be safe at first. He then turned around and threw his hands up in the air as to say, "What. I felt like running like my hero, Tinki Winki for half a second." The last time I slapped at the glove I was 5, he was 29! Would we want to be associated with someone like that? I think not. This is also the same guy that was with a woman who didn't know if she was American or British and who has a problem finding the difference between the two. I believe it is called "America's Pastime", not Cricket. Even the Yankee fans have been all over him for not preforming up to the caliber they expect for the money they are paying him. His batting stance looks like he always want to cry, and unlike YOUUUUUUK, who would rather jump in front of a bus, than let a ball get past him, little Alex's first step on a ball hit on the ground to the left side is always back. Sorry to be the one to break this to you Mr Cheater, but third basemen have bad teeth due to bad hops. Unless you are the human vacuum cleaner, Lowell, that guy was from a different planet. When A-Rod first came to the Majors, he was awesome. I will admit that. The problem now is, he still thinks he is the best player in baseball. Not true. Baseball is a team sport yahoo, therefore, the best player in baseball is the Red Sox. With all this being said, I decided to write him back. As Santa of course.
I have taken your request under consideration. I have come to this conclusion. Enjoy the pen, I mean pin stripes buddy. All crooks have to wear stripes at some point in their career. "Nuff said."