Sick of the Derek Jeter retirement tour already? Reach for the "Jeter Retirement Barf Bag."
The bag reads:
DIRECTIONS Should the sappy and sycophantic musings of Kay, Waldman, Sterling, Francesa, et al regarding the impending retirement of Derek Jeter induce vomiting, open bag rapidly and insert stomach contents. WARNING! Repeated exposure to video clips of Jeter’s last 2 truly great plays may cause nausea and vomiting (“the flip” vs Oakland in 2001 and “the dive” vs Boston 2004 – note the years.) Should vomiting occur for more than 4 hours, please console yourself with the thought that were it not for the Alex Rodriguez stellar/drug enhanced performances in the 2009 postseason, “The Captain” would be 14 seasons removed from his last WS Crown.
Avoid pink Jeter jerseys, YES network flashbacks and Mariano Rivera retirement ceremonies, and references to Jeter being the first ever unanimous Hall of Fame selection.